Lieber Hausmeister

The following is a fictitious letter to our landlord about our student dorms. Enjoy!

Lieber Hausmeister,
We are not quite certain when you were last in the international dorm, but there are a few situations that we feel that you may need to be aware of.

1. Where are my keys? They gave me six keys and none of them open anything around here.
2. I think these keys are yours.
3. The stoop doubling as a landfill is becoming an issue. Can you clear us a path between the rat hole and the rotting ham? PS can you recycle beer caps?
4. The swans are gathering. Please advise.
5. Who the hell are Mel and Yen?
6. Four refrigerators and no microwave? WTF?
7. We found a rat and named it Ignorance. It didn’t help.
8. There is an old man squatting in the building next door. He is on the all girls side. Can we ask him to leave and if so can we have his olive oil?
9. If you aren’t going to provide toilet paper, at least tell us.
10. Turkish techno is not working for us. The light show is ok.
11. We don’t appreciate the MC Escher stairway. Was he German?
12. Can we throw a disco party? If not, please come collect the disco ball from our common room.
13. We are concerned about the residents of the trailer park who are missing their furniture.
14. We did not know that the wireless would also be powerless.
15. We are making a recording of the scary sounds our windows make. Will we have to pay royalties on our earnings?
16. I apologize for thinking that the water was soapy. My bad.
17. We seem to have a blood spatter pattern on the wall. Will the vinegar you left us to clean the place remove it? Again, where are Mel and Yen?
18. My roommate left her bathing suit on the radiator.
19. I appreciate you trying to fix something, but you left your drill in my kitchen.
20. Should we use mase, or the beating stick attached to the wall after dark?
21. Will you be my bodyguard?
22. Just because students leave crap here over the years doesn’t mean you can advertise a stocked kitchen.
23. The constant train ambient noise has removed the need for my sleep sound maker.
24. I can’t see the sun set through the smoke out of my window.
25. The neighbors are very friendly, they keep whistling at us at night.
26. My roommate cut her head open on the shower. Does the international center give tetanus shots? If so, is rabies included?
27. We gave Ignorance a monocle, and he broke it crawling back into the hole in the sofa. Can we file an incident report?
28. There is something living in our fridge, can you condemn it along with the rest of this building?
29. They don’t ethernet cords long enough to get to our desk, or out of our doorway for that matter.
30. Who left their retainer in the bathroom? If not, who sutchered our soap? Mel and Yen...?
31. Elevator capacity 13 people? Seriously?
32. We appreciate that you left us a fan, but without blades its useless.
33. Was that thunder, or a bus slamming into eight cars?

Deepest Regards,
Your American Tenants
PS. We will get back to you after we try to get into the basement for
laundry. We are checking the dryers for M&Y